Sunday, April 10, 2011  

If you hear something late at night...

This story starts in February 2010 with the death of our trusty old washing machine. It had been delivered on the day we moved in and had served us well for about 9 years, it had been used and abused but hadn’t complained once. Then one Sunday morning it emitted a strange grinding sound, issued a small puff of blue smoke and expired. It even had the decency to finish its final load before departing this realm.

We went to Currys to find a replacement and to arrange for the removal of the old one. We opted for a very shiny LG direct drive. The bloke in Currys was droning on about how you can balance a 20p on its end whilst the machine spins at 1200 rpm. We had it delivered and I plumbed it in. It played a tune when it had finished washing our clothes, and it made a good job of washing them too…. But that’s where the positive end. They were forgotten the moment the fucking thing started to spin, the house shook, glasses in the cupboard tinkled and pictures on the wall vibrated. It was traumatic.

I spoke to Currys who told me I shouldn’t have bought a direct drive washing machine for a third floor flat. I mentioned that when I paid for the infernal machine and gave the bloke in Currys our address I mentioned this fact as it affects who they send to deliver it. The Currys henchperson used the well-worn old chestnut of the call centre.. “well he should have mentioned it to you”.

I phoned LG and they told me that their most excellent machine would work on any type of floor, and in fact “I have that very machine and I live on the second floor”… I don’t think she was called Luka, but I do think she was lying.

I relayed this information to Currys, who then decided to send an engineer to fix, what in all probability was my inept installation of the infernal machine. He came and found nothing wrong, but did agree that the vibrations were strange, as he had that very machine, and lived on the second floor. He was called Dave, not Luka.

I bought some rubber feet off eBay, not in an attempt to introduce fetishism into our home, but for the infernal machine to sit on and hopefully dampen the shaking to a level we could live with. I also contacted Currys again and asked for a replacement under their “whatever happens” policy that had been sold to us in the store. “Oh it doesn’t cover that kind of thing” she said, without a hint of irony.. “but it’s called whatever happens” I said. “But that’s just what the policy is called, it doesn’t cover you for whatever happens” she informed me. I laughed and asked her to cancel the policy.

This had now been going on for a good few months and we were fed up. There were cracks appearing on some of our walls, and bottles had fallen off a bathroom shelf. I emailed the chief executives of Currys and LG, told them what a pile of shit there customer service was and told them in no uncertain terms that they should sort it out between themselves and inform me when they had reached a decision as to what course of action to take.

I was contacted by Currys CEO office who apologised and said they would fix it, the CEOs henchman informed me that he too had that very machine and he lived on the 2nd floor and had no problems with it at all. We then had a repeat engineer visit and some different rubber feet before they finally conceded defeat and told us we could exchange the piece of shit for a new one. We arranged collection, it was 12 months to the day we had it delivered, that they came and took it away. We then had to drag our arses through to Carlisle to get a refund, and then went about the process of buying a new one.

We went to Comet.

The new one doesn’t play a tune, but it also doesn’t recreate the feeling of a jumbo jet landing on the fucking roof either. It washes our clothes with very little fuss, which is all we wanted.

During the last few weeks with the LG the vibrations actually cracked two of our windows. We have only just been paid for their replacement.

Never did get to speak to Luka.

| posted by Simon | 8:03 pm | 0 comments
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