Thursday, April 28, 2005  

Theirs are the skies all dark with bombers.

I have been watching the news over the last few days, in particular the Tory leader’s attacks on El Presidente. I’ve got news for you Mike, we all knew he was a fucking liar, it’s not news. Why don’t you start telling us about your plans for the country if manage to get yourself elected. Maybe it’s because you know that you haven’t a hope in fucking hell of getting the big job, you’re just on a mission to make it uncomfortable for El Presidente. I seem to remember some shenanigans when bitchwhorecunt Thatcher went to war with Argentina.

This week I are mostly been selling loads of stuff on eBay, I figure I had better start a slush fund just in case the Tories get in, or to celebrate if everyone draws rude pictures on their forms.

One thing I did notice was the “who would you vote for” thing that was doing the rounds. I came out heavily on the Lib Dems, and I noticed a lot of people had similar results. Prophesy I wonder ?

Didn’t the nazifuckingscumbag BNP leader make a complete twat of himself, waffling about people having guns in their homes to shoot immigrants ? Although his plans to hang paedophiles could seriously reduce priest numbers.

When Saturday comes me and Tracy will have been married twenty-two years to the day. On the day we got married City played Forest, this Saturday we play Pompey. For those who are bothered, there is a big Stuart Pearce link there. Prophesy I wonder ?

My pressie ? A 1999 promotion shirt signed by The Goat. The shrine is growing slowly. When the shirt is framed and on the wall I’ll put a pic of the shrine up here.

| posted by Simon | 1:03 am | 0 comments

Friday, April 22, 2005  

So, drink, drink, drink and be ill tonight.

It’s a while till my 40th, but I’ve got to start thinking about venues for the “do”. Trouble is I live in Cumbria and the party has to be in Manchester, that’s where the rest of the motley crew live you see. I know there’s a few bloggers live in the Manchester area, but I’m fucked if I can find email addresses on their sites. So, I want some advice from anyone who lives in or around the Hyde, Stalyvegas, Ashton area….. where’s a good place for a party ?

| posted by Simon | 11:33 pm | 0 comments

Tuesday, April 19, 2005  

Based on a novel by a man named Lear.

The meme below has got me thinking about the books I’ve read. Some of my favourites have occupied a space down to you right for a good while now. This got me thinking about the ones that don’t quite make the all time favourite list, and this lead seamlessly to compiling a small list of those books that have been made into decent film. There aren’t many. While we’re at it I may as well cover (auto) biographies as well.

One of my biggest disappointments came with Coma by Alex Garland. I really enjoyed The Beach and Tesseract. I didn’t think much of the film version of The Beach though. Coma was a let down because I expected too much. It was far too short; in fact it should have been a short story. It’s a good job I got it from the library; I would have been pissed off if I’d paid good money for something he could have knocked up in an afternoon.

Clive barker is one author that always seems to write a very good story. Weaveworld and The great and secret show to name but two. Then he wrote Abarat, which may have been very good if you happen to be nine fucking years old. No mention on the cover that it’s a children’s story, again it was a fucking good job it was a library book.

I think one of the best film adaptations of a book was The Shining. Jack Nicholson was at his best as the insane hotel caretaker, and when the kid rides round the corner on his trike, only to be confronted by those freaky girls…. I almost befouled my trousers.

Contact, a Carl Sagan story, was made into an excellent film. None of your wishy-washy Hollywood endings or moral pontification here. Just a damn good story with a strange end.

I’ve read a lot of biographies and autobiographies and a couple stand out. First “Rex” by Rex Harrison was a fantastic read and even better because I knew absolutely nothing about him. The second was “Bring on the empty horses” by David Niven. This tells some amazing stories in the golden years of Hollywood.

| posted by Simon | 1:04 am | 0 comments

Monday, April 18, 2005  

I'm a man with a mission in two or three editions.

I've seen this meme at a few other places and I thought I'd give it a go. Isn't boredom an amzing thing ?

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?

No idea what this one is on about. So I’ll pick one to memorise and one to burn:

I would memorise Grapes of wrath for two reasons; firstly it’s an amazing story and one that left me an exhausted emotional wreck. Secondly, such a good story should be shared; I would love to tell someone in a jackanory style. I’m sure they would be in the palm of your hand.

I would burn anything that progressed the notion of organised religion or bigotry of any kind.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

I seem to remember being quite enamored of Susan in The lion the witch and the wardrobe. She is given a horn to blow if she is ever in danger. I’m sure she gave it to me.

The last book you bought is:

Into the wild – Jon Krakauer. Bought whilst on holiday in Prague. It’s available on eBay and I would recommend it to anyone.

The last book you read:

The restaurant at the end of the universe – Douglas Adams.

What are you currently reading?

Nuclear power – Open University science matters – S280

Five books you would take to a deserted island:

Perdido street station – China Meiville.
To kill a mocking bird – Harper lee.
Riotous assembly – Tom Sharpe.
Birthday letters – Ted Hughes.
The wrong boy – Willy Russell.

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?

Anyone who is bored enough to have a go.

| posted by Simon | 4:23 pm | 0 comments

Saturday, April 16, 2005  

I still remember the day you said.

A while ago Lyle explained why my alt tags didn’t work in Firefox, and in doing so taught me something about html that I didn’t know. So, I have finally got round to putting title tags on my blog links. I know it’s only a little thing but I think it makes it more personal.

I know from my wanderings around the blog world, and from my stat’s, that a lot of people use blogroll and other automatic link lists. I don’t like them; I much prefer to keep track of things myself. It may be a bit more arsing about for others to link to me, and for me to insert a new link….but good things are worth a bit of work.

If you really don’t like your little tag, or you would rather it be a little more descriptive, just email me.

| posted by Simon | 12:42 pm | 0 comments

Thursday, April 14, 2005  

I told you that tranquility would be the key.

Last week we bought a nice new carpet for the bathroom, and yes it is nearly finished. However, I made the stupid mistake of getting them to fit it. I should have known better, whenever you let a craftsman incompetent fuckpig into your home you are just begging for trouble. To compound this unforgivable error of judgement, I then only gave his work a cursory glance before allowing him to leave. Big fucking mistake. On closer inspection…. Ok this was the bit where Tracy says “have you seen what that complete twat has done to our skirting boards and toilet seat ?” to which I tentatively replied “No ?”

I don’t know what the fuck he was doing in there, but there was more destruction than carpet fitting.

Then I remembered, I didn’t use my guarantee card when I gave him the cheque…fucking result, I had a bargaining position. So, this morning I rang the manager to report the damage and ask him what he intended to do about it. It was dinner time before the fucker would even speak to me, by which time I had cancelled the cheque. When I relayed this message to him via his secretary he decided to speak to me. Funnily enough he was round our place within about ten minutes. But that’s when the fun started.

He tried to tell me that the marks on the skirting board had been done the last time a carpet was fitted. Tracy laughed at him. There are no marks on any of the other skirting boards. He denied his fitter had anything to do with the gouge marks on the toilet seat, a toilet seat that had been fitted less than 12 hours before the fitter arrived. He made the grievous error of referring to Tracy as “Love” Which, in no uncertain terms, she told him not to do. I don’t think he realised exactly how close he came to being de-bollocked.

He finally left, with the assurance he would sort this out with his fitter and get back to us. Fine by me, he’s getting no fucking money until he does.

I’ll keep you posted, and if they piss me off I’ll name and shame them.

| posted by Simon | 11:39 pm | 0 comments

Secret power fueled by hate.

Michael Howard unveils Tory plans for a new school dinners program.

Kilroy-Silk brandishing his manifesto of utter bollocks.

Right, who's next ? Ah yes, Charles Kennedy.

| posted by Simon | 8:43 pm | 0 comments

I trust I can rely on your vote.

In response to this story [via scaryduck] I have updated the image (below). I was also quite taken with the idea of fucking with election images, so I have started my own election special. Let's get the ball rolling with the grinning cunt.

and here's Ed Matts and Ann Widdecombe, now they're hitchhiking and nowhere near a rally.

| posted by Simon | 10:00 am | 0 comments

Wednesday, April 13, 2005  

I wanna breeze and an open mind.

Isn’t it funny how desperation gets us ? A couple of months ago I was determined to hold out for the right job. Then two days ago I found myself in a factory assessment centre, with about twenty other hopefuls, trying to get a job on probably the worst shift pattern I have ever seen. I knew it would be an odd day when I walked into the room; I was the only one wearing a suit. First was an aptitude test, one that a mildly stupid chimp could have passed if you’d have offered him a grape or two. Next was a plant tour, it was funny going back in a factory after all these years. On a chemical plant things are different every day; there’s always something new happening to keep you interested. In a factory it’s the same every day, in fact it’s the same every minute. On the plant tour we were asked several questions about our experience, one bloke was asked “who do you work for at the moment ?” to which he replied “I don’t know” the guide just looked at him in astonishment and said “you don’t know ?” the response was a shrug and a chuckle. He obviously didn’t want the job. In fact I wouldn’t have employed any of them. Scruffy bastards.

If I manage to get an interview I don’t think I’ll be able to hold my tongue. I think I will view it more of me interviewing them. The personnel officer was about twenty two ish and annoyingly nasal. I will find it very easy being a cunt with him. I’ll keep you posted.

In the chemical industry things are done to letter of the law as far as health and safety is concerned, you shouldn’t get on site unless you have undergone some kind of induction, or at the very least being made familiar with the emergency drill. This company didn’t even tell us what the fire alarm sounded like, let alone where to go if it went off. You usually find this kind of lax behaviour in small companies, we were in a carpet shop the other day and I noticed a fire exit had been tied shut with rope, and another had about a ton of cardboard in front of it. When you tell someone that they are not only breaking the law but putting their customer’s lives at risk, they look at you like you just pissed on the pope’s grave. When I gave the look that says “I actually want you to answer me” the response was “Oh the boss’ son looks after that”. That’s ok then, let’s hope he’s here when the fucking place sets on fire eh ?

| posted by Simon | 9:56 pm | 0 comments

Sunday, April 10, 2005  

Never felt more like singing the blues.

I had a feeling City would do ok today; in fact I was going to have a win double on City and a horse in the national. It’s a good job I didn’t; I was going to back Nil desperandum. Musampa finally hit a shot with the right part of his foot, and managed to get it on target. The young Liverpool keeper is from Cumbria and had an excellent game. I’m so pleased for Stuart Pearce, if he’s given a chance I think he will do an excellent job for City. The footballing celebrations were finally complete when united went down two nil at Carrow road and Huck set up one of the goals. Delia was quite restrained under the circumstances.

Since I finished work last year I seem to have no time to do anything. I don’t know how I found the time to go and do a full time job. For the last three weeks I have been fitting a new bathroom, I know that sounds like a long time, but I hate DIY and I have to make sure that everything is done properly. On top of all that I have job interviews and all the other stuff you have to do when you’re on the dole. I then remembered that I’m doing another OU course this year, and should really have a look when my first TMA is due in…… next Thursday ! Fuck, fuck and thrice fuck ! So today I have been busy reading about unleaded petrol in order to find out what the unburned products of combustion are, and reading articles on culling Badgers in order to prevent the spread of TB in cattle. I have one question left to do. The maths question. I always save these till last because I’m shit at it, even with a calculator, I just can’t visualise numbers in my mind like I can with other things. It’s so frustrating. Ok it isn’t simple maths, but it shouldn’t be too hard for the first TMA, I’m just really struggling. Well I suppose we can’t be good at everything. So if anyone knows how to change thirty three nanograms per litre into milligrams per decilitre, give us a clue ?

| posted by Simon | 12:22 am | 0 comments

Saturday, April 09, 2005  

Blurred vision and dirty thoughts.

Found this on the forum. It's been updated a bit, but still a laugh.

Here's mine:

Update: You can't add the speech bubble, I did that in photoshop. By the way, I advise anyone who has msn messenger to go and get the full version of the recently tested beta 7.0.... It's ace.

| posted by Simon | 12:46 am | 0 comments

Tuesday, April 05, 2005  

Cast your vote for the Carpenter.

The grinning cunt has called the election, and I’m sure there will be a lot of blogging about it between now and early May. The prospect of another four years with this Labour government at the helm fills me with dread. So what am I going to do about it then ? I can’t vote Conservative because I remember what the fuckers did to this country last time they were in charge. I can’t vote Liberal because I think they are a wish-washy bunch of fence straddling indecision monkeys. The rest are, at best, well intentioned but sadly lacking new ideas in the key areas. So I’m fucked then, I may as well just sit at home and let nature take its course. I’m sorry, I can’t do that either, because if I don’t take part how can I possibly complain about them later ? So what does someone with no real choice do when stood in the voting booth ?

At the last elections, which included a vote for our MEP as well, I wrote a short critique of each candidate in their corresponding box on the ballot paper. This time, if there is enough room, I want to write a little request to the eventual winner, including but not limited to the following.

To the new government:

It would be really nice to have a government that conducted itself with a little humility, not assuming that we will just swallow anything you decide we need. In your dealings with those who live in other countries it would be nice if you treated them as you would like to be treated, and not like commodities you can buy sell or kill at your whim. Stop bending over and letting the US butt fuck you, it’s really annoying to be linked to such religious fundamentalists. It goes without saying that I would like to see schools and hospitals improved, and also free university education for those who want it, and no I don’t mind paying a little extra for it. I would like to see PFI and ECG scrapped, they are tantamount to welfare for the rich and should have no part in our society. Please could you try and make it harder for arms manufacturers to export their deadly wares abroad ? Recent talk of deregulation of licensing would turn the world into one giant arms fair. Oh, and you can stick your identity cards up your arse.

Thank you.

| posted by Simon | 10:44 pm | 0 comments

Sunday, April 03, 2005  

With crocodile tears and a pocketful of tissues.

I’m sure there will be a lot of pundits expressing outrage at the fight between Bowyer and Dyer at St James’ park this afternoon. However much I dislike Bowyer for being a racist thug who’s had more chances than he deserves, I have to say I sympathise with him. Dyer is a complete waste of space and must be infuriating to play with. Playing for England against Azerbaijan last week he was awful, I bet Shaun Wright Philips was pissing himself laughing. Bowyer obviously has a short fuse and to have a go at Dyer whilst still on the pitch was fucking stupid, but at least he was showing he has passion. It’s about time we clamped down on cheating before we have a go at someone for giving a shit that his team was three down to Villa at home. What about sending off those fuckers who dive writhing on the ground if an opponent so much as tickles his shirt ? What about getting tough on these teams who constantly surround and harangue the ref’ if he gives a decision against them. What about making Wenger take an eye test next time he “doesn’t see” one of his players scythe an opponent in half with a two-footed lunge of death* ?

Spare me the contrite press conference though, what a load of shite, neither player wanted to do it, they’re just so shit scared of Souness that they had no choice.

More of the same I say. If we make football a contact sport again, like it used to be, maybe the corporate whores will fuck off and start watching Rugby Union and leave us alone to stand on the terraces again. A cup of Bovril, a meat pie and loads of swearing. Fan-fucking-tastic !

* Trademark, © Taxdodger.

| posted by Simon | 12:39 am | 0 comments
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