Friday, November 29, 2002  

Crap decisions #749.

Westlife, in a decision akin to the German bloke who said “Invade Poland ? top idea Adolf, you can’t lose. And the black uniform really brings out your eyes” have covered a Cliff Richard song. I heard it today, the original was bad enough, but this redefines the word crap. I can imagine the meeting that came up with this……”right boys, we need a Christmas number one to really blow the critics away” – “Well, Cliff always does well at Christmas” – “brilliant idea, but which song ? Mistletoe and wine ?” – “No, something not quite as cheesy” – “I know……..Miss you nights !”. Genius.

| posted by Simon | 12:57 am | 0 comments

Sunday, November 24, 2002  

God schmod, I want my monkey man.

We had our one day off planned with military precision, we would drive to Newcastle (94 miles) buy an x-box from toys r us, do a bit of crimbo shopping in the Metro centre, get some dinner at Harry Ramsden’s then drive home at breakneck speed and spend the rest of the day playing on our new machine…….Ah the best laid plans of mice and shopkeepers, we were two hundred yards from Toys r us and the clutch went on my car. The air was blue, in fact it was several colours unseen by human eyes. The very nice sales staff at Minories Honda found us the number for the AA and let us leave our car on their forecourt until we had sorted things out. The AA man helped us get the car going good enough to get us home, it now needs a new slave cylinder for the hydraulic clutch (more cash). We managed to get our new x-box and some fish and chips before coming home. The fishy on a dishy (if you remember “when the boat comes in” you are officially old) was gorgeous, I’ll tell you more about the new console when we have road tested it.

I’ve bastardised the traditional Irish blessing, I think it’s a little more to my liking now, what do you think ?

May the road rise to meet you,
may the wind be always at your back.
the sun shine warm upon your face,
the rain fall soft upon your fields
and until we meet again, may your god
hold you in the palm of her hand.

| posted by Simon | 8:40 pm | 0 comments

Wednesday, November 20, 2002  

"The sound of a shrug".

I have no meaningful words to post today, They are all in my mind spinning far too fast for me to pluck them out and make sentences, apart from these obviously.

I must be doing something right, my blog is accessible in China . [Link via very black].

| posted by Simon | 12:42 am | 0 comments

Friday, November 15, 2002  

Karma payback.

I have been less than charitable over the last few days in my ponderings on the general public. You could say I don’t suffer fools gladly, but I’ve never really understood that little saying, so we’ll call it plain old meanness on my part. It’s indicative of my frame of mind at the moment, everyone seems to find just the wrong thing to say, and I find myself biting my tongue to stop me from launching into a full-on rant, honesty is good but when it’s shouted at you with no concern for your feelings it can be less than constructive. So, today I have lightened up, and looked for the good things again. A couple have stood out, we have had some posts on the Lock&Load message board wishing us luck, we have had people coming into the shop saying nice things about our venture. Today people have been nice, so thank you for restoring my faith and a little of my good Karma.

Stuart has already posted about our chess game, I hope he’s slower to the endgame. It’s funny, but after years of playing chess this game has got me all on edge. I taught my son how to play when he was about five, he has become a very good player and I don’t know whether it’s a father son thing but I have never been bothered about losing, because if he wins then ultimately it reflects well on me…….strange thought process I know, and not a conscious one until now. This game however has me edgy, it’s just me against a young university educated man, and the thought of losing fills me with dread. Dread isn’t the right word, losing at chess is one of the more acceptable losses because you always learn, you learn from your mistakes and you learn your opponents strengths, so not dread…….more [can’t think of the right word, sorry]. I must admit though, facing your opponent across the board is far better than across cyber space, you have facial expressions to judge, idiosyncratic movements, the sight of a trickle of sweat running down your opponents forehead can lift your game. None of that for us, just a window with your opponents last move and no knowledge of whether he is sweating or cackling malevolently.

| posted by Simon | 10:46 pm | 0 comments

Thursday, November 14, 2002  

Offensive customers

I can handle the rude ones, and the stupid ones and even the down right nasty ones………’s the smelly ones I have a problem with. Every person that comes into the shop has a different smell, most of them smell ok, some smell really nice. There’s your smoker, they have an aura of about six feet, it smells unpleasant but it follows them out and doesn’t really leave a trace. There’s your office types who over use the cologne or perfume, they have a wake of nice smells that follows them around, and a little of it always stays for a while. Some people have smell combinations, some nice some not so nice, we have an air freshener at the ready for the nasty ones. Today however we experienced the daddy of smelly customers, this person smelled so bad it made my eyes water, I had to breath through my mouth for the duration of the customers visit. The stench appeared the instant they walked in through the door and lingered for a good while after they had departed. The smell was a combination of very strong BO, stale urine, poorly washed clothes, and a few others that remain unidentified. The overall stench was horrendous, so horrendous in fact that the shop cleared of customers in about five seconds. I suppose we have all had off days, and not been as clean as we could have been, but if I ever smell that bad I hope someone has the courage to say “go and have a bath you dirty fucker, and put some clean clothes on”.

I’ve just realised that this post and the last one are having a go at the general public, a group of people I usually try and steer clear of. I think my involvement in the shop has made me realise the diversity of human life, and highlighted the fact that I should keep out of their way wherever possible.

| posted by Simon | 10:42 pm | 0 comments

Sunday, November 10, 2002  

It's a question of courtesy.

Anyone who has read my “100 things” page may remember that one of my pet hates is people who eat with their mouth open. Today we had the misfortune to have our Sunday dinner at the same time as a man with possibly the worst table manners in the county, if not the whole of this saintly realm. The sheer amount of different noises this man made is beyond my description, he belched between breaths and managed to eat a bowl of soup without once closing his mouth. The whole disgusting episode wasn’t helped by the fact that he slept between courses, and yes he slept as he ate, with his gob agape, displaying his epiglottis to all and sundry. The staff at the restaurant carried on as if nothing untoward was happening, and typically we didn’t say a word to the human drain cleaner, if he had lit up a cigarette I would have been right over there to tell him to put it out ! It’s not an issue of etiquette or table manners for me, I just dislike the site and sound of other peoples mastication, once you’ve put it in your mouth I don’t want to see it again. Thankfully we finished before he had time to order his sweet, I don’t think I could have hacked the sound of him destroying a bowl of summer fruit crumble and custard.

| posted by Simon | 9:29 pm | 0 comments

Saturday, November 09, 2002  

Who says ?

I haven’t mentioned football this season, either when we have won or lost. But tonight I must have my say and put the record straight.

Who says Keegan is tactically naive ?
Who says the Goat can’t hack it at premier league level ?
Who says City will go back down ?
Who says Anelka was a waste of money ?

Another thing, if I hear Trevor Brooking refer to utd as “Manchester” one more time I will be writing a “why oh why” letter to the BBC, there is more than one fucking team in Manchester you ignorant cockney twat ! I feel better now I’ve got that off my chest.

Tonight I’m going to commemorate the last ever Derby at Maine road by getting quite drunk………. well done blues, roll on February.

| posted by Simon | 7:31 pm | 0 comments

Tuesday, November 05, 2002  

The penny finally drops.

It has finally dawned on me why this hell hole that I work at is getting me down so much. It has a lot to do with something my dad said to me many years ago. Along with a couple of really good pieces of advice and a positive outlook on life, my dad told me a long time ago “Simon, if a job is worth doing, it’s worth doing well !” You could say it’s an overused maxim nowadays, but when he told me all those years ago it made perfect sense, and still does. Unfortunately the attitude that has filtered through to everyone at work is one of “couldn’t care less” even the management seem not to give a damn about our future. This outlook is more infectious than I imagined, it’s made me not care about the work that I do, work that however much I moan about it I have always taken a pride in. I resent the fact that this place has made me not care, it’s taken what little enjoyment I had here, the enjoyment and satisfaction of achieving something, making something well. I think what really made me realise was working in the shop with Tracy, I enjoyed it so much and it felt like we were achieving something together. When I next clocked on for my shift it was like someone had given me an extra ten stone to carry around, and now the only thought that my mind will allow any clarity while I’m at work is “how the fuck can I get out of here quickly ?” I suppose some people could accuse me of being greedy, people without jobs would give a lot to have mine, but I can only react to what is happening in my life, and at the moment I’m half way up the pyramid of human needs and some fucker has just knicked a couple of rungs. The painful truth is, I may need to go back down a bit before I can continue my accent.

| posted by Simon | 11:08 pm | 0 comments

A dogs life.

It’s the time of year when I’m going to work in the dark, and coming home in the dark, when you work nights it doesn’t leave much daylight to enjoy. I see most things in monochrome, and I know why dogs look melancholy most of the time. When you take the colour from things it robs the world of it’s vitality and wonder, and leaves things drab and lifeless. Today the darkness has been temporarily lifted, I bought Web user magazine on my way to work, and there in glorious Technicolor in the readers weblogs page is a review of this very weblog, and as an extra added bonus they actually say some nice things about it. Have you seen Shindlers list ? It is a black and white film, except for the little girls red coat, it makes you notice so that later on when her corpse is on the back of a cart you know it’s her. Perhaps the article was to make you notice me, so that later on when this site’s lifeless corpse goes trundling past on the virtual cart you can say…..”I used to read that blog !”.

If you fancy a laugh, or you just want to make one of your friends look like a mad axe wielding psychopath, take a look at this. Thanks to Tex for the link.

| posted by Simon | 2:35 am | 0 comments

Friday, November 01, 2002  

Shift workers song.

”……..I’ve got no deeds to do and no promises to keep, I’m dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep, let the morning time drop all it’s petals on me. Life I love you, all is groovy.”

| posted by Simon | 3:39 am | 0 comments
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