Mexican stand off.

Spiders seem to like living behind my wing mirror, there must be rich pickings being a mobile spider because even when you go through the car wash the spiders survive pretty much unscathed, and half an hour later the web is re-built and wafting gently in the breeze. Yesterday morning as I got in the car for my trip to work I noticed two spiders on the driver’s side mirror. They both appeared at the same time and stood weighing each other up across six inches of mirror, as I pulled out of the car park they scuttled back behind the mirror and I haven’t seen them since.

They should have plenty of time to sort out their differences because we’re off to Portugal for a week.

I can also feel a rant coming on, but I think I’ll save it till we get back.

Ate mais tarde.

Do you sometimes wonder ?

Operator, number, please:
it's been so many years
Will she remember my old voice
while I fight the tears?
Hello, hello there, is this Martha?
this is old Tom Frost,
And I am calling long distance,
don't worry 'bout the cost.
'Cause it's been forty years or more,
now Martha please recall,
Meet me out for coffee,
where we'll talk about it all.

And those were the days of roses,
poetry and prose and Martha
all I had was you and all you had was me.
There was no tomorrows,
we'd packed away our sorrows
And we saved them for a rainy day.

Tom Waits – Martha.

Barrel scraping #295

1. Have you had sex in the past 24 hours? No.
2. Are you gay? No, but only because I've never met a man pretty enough.
3. Do you have hairy legs? Yes.
4. Do you smoke anything? Not any more.
5. Do you like monkeys? Not a big fan of chimps, but I would quite like a squirrel monkey butler.
6. How many fillings do you have? Some, I can't see inside my own mouth to count.
7. Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake? Ocean.
8. Have you ever licked one of those square batteries? Yes.
9. Have you ever read the Bible? No, it’s worse than the sun.
10. Did you ever go to Sunday School? Once.
11. Do you wear a lot of black? No.
12. Did you ever bring a weapon to school? Did I ever “take” a weapon to school ? No.
13. Have you ever hugged a tree? No.
14. Do you know what a sphincter actually is? Yes.
15. Describe your hair? Short and brown.
16. Are you a wild beast? I’m a mild mannered mammal.
17. Do you like to have fun? I like to enjoy myself, fun sounds far too wholesome for my liking.
18. Do you like drama? No, I like a good scrap.
19. Have you ever taken a bong hit? Yes.
20. Do you like mayonnaise? Yes.
21. Are you afraid to die? Yes, I want to live forever. I understand this may sound a little ambitious but fuck it, if you don’t aim high…
22. Do you like playing in leaves? I used to love autumn, but as I’ve gotten older I prefer summer.
23. Have you ever peed your pants as an adult? No.
24. Have you ever thrown up on somebody as an adult? No, vomiting for me is a very private thing.
25. Are you an adult? I’m 40, but there’s no way I’m an adult. I feel 17.
26. Ever won a spelling bee? Fuck off !
27. Do you ever eat because you’re depressed? No, I eat because I’m a greedy bastard, I don’t need to make crap excuses for that fact that I’m fat.
28. Are you a television addict? No, it’s been shit for the last 15 years.
29. Do you think OJ was guilty? Don’t care, the American legal system is one of the few things that is more corrupt and twisted than American politics.
30. Do you enjoy spending time with your mother? She lives 350 miles away and we don’t really miss each other.
31. Have you ever had sex in a hot tub? Yes.
32. Do you like Elvis? Yes, but not as much as the Beatles.
33. Do you enjoy watching animals "do it" on the Discovery channel? No, I like my porn to feature several young women, and I couldn't give a flying fuck that you think that's sexist.
34. Have you ever had sex with a total stranger? Yes, when I was 15.
35. Do you enjoy the calming effects of turkeys? Turkey scare the shit out of me, as does anything that flutters.
36. Does your mum think someone is hot? Don’t know.
37. Are you a sugar freak? No.
38. Ever been arrested? Yes.
39. Ever commit a crime and get away with it? Every day behind the wheel of my car.
40. Do you like orange juice? Yes, as long as it’s laced with Smirnov blue label
41. What sign are you? Middle finger.
42. Where do you wish you were right now? Carribean.
43. Did you enjoy this? Not really, but I’ll take any content where I can get it at the moment.

Thanks to Gert for this lifeline.

Spam and road tax.

In a shock display of blatant nepotism I give you

Spam.

Tracy is selling her car, check it out. You could always combine coming to see it with a nice day out in the Lake district.

It’s been on the news all day about proposed new car tax; extortion is all I can see. When this country has a public transport system that not only works properly, but actually turns up when it says it will, I may consider getting rid of the car completely. Until then I will not be held to ransom by a government who lets big business do whatever it wants in all parts of the world. I know companies that pour thousands of cubic meters of water a week down the drain, but householders are the ones lectured to by the powers that be. This country is fucked, with threats of more and more welfare for the rich and the prospect of the hooded scroats that roam our dog shit infested streets looking after us when we retire…. Well I for one wont fucking be here to see the day. You know, it doesn’t matter how much they charge for car tax, the fuckers round here don’t pay for it now, what chance has the government got when it goes up to £1800 ? Law abiding people footing the bill for the delinquent society again.

This rant was brought to you by the combined forces of hot weather and vodka.

Barrel scraping.