Hung-over and grumpy.

Through blurry eyes I sat and watched the news this morning.

The main story was about a “hard hitting” new ad campaign to combat binge drinking. Now I might be being a bit thick here, but wont binge drinkers miss the adverts because they’re at the pub ? Why does our government see fit to try and control every waking moment of our lives ? You have two options, either lump booze in with other harmful drugs and ban it, or legalise everything and let us all make informed choices.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t nuclear warheads weapons of mass destruction ? This puzzles me because we invaded Iraq just in case they some of these, it turns out they didn’t but our efforts in the middle east have made it such a wonderful place to live and bring up your kids. I wonder why we haven’t given North Korea the benefit of out lifestyle makeover ? They have admitted having tested nuclear weapons, and all the evidence suggests they actually did. They are also communist; this must tick every box on the US “reasons to kick a country’s ass” list. Maybe George hasn’t seen the news in a couple of weeks, maybe he’s away playing golf. As soon as he gets back I’m sure all those brave GIs will be making their way over, followed by our boys. Pretty soon there’ll be peace and prosperity in whichever part of the world North Korea is in. It’s just thought, but maybe the US and the UK and the UN are shit scared of old Kim and his big tooled up army. Anyway, they’re closer to China, they should sort them out, we’ll do our bit. No more exports for you Kim old boy. That’ll learn him.

I see some environmental groups are telling us we should stop flying on holiday, and we should maybe stay at home. If these people would just come out and say what they mean I would respect them more. What they really mean is: “I don’t want poor people sunning themselves around the same pool as me just because some cheap airline will ferry them to Mexico for £99”. When I’m lying on a beach somewhere and little Skyler and his seven siblings are running round uncontrolled by their feckless parents, I have the same thoughts. I don’t dress it up as an environmental hazard, I admit to being a grumpy snob. If you really want to combat global warming by reducing emisions, get on the phone to China and ask them very nicely to stop pumping millions of tonnes of CO2 into the atmosphere with their outmoded industrial techniques. Then we can all fuck off on our holidays and shout at chavs.

This week.

Talk talk have pissed me off. eBay has pissed me off; Ray Winstone has really pissed me off. The list grows by the day. But by far the biggest twat of the week is Kenny Rogers, his song (if you can call it that) “the last 10 years” is truly awful, even for country music standards this travesty is far too sentimental, my car radio was rendered inoperable due to huge amounts of sickly sweet gunge flowing from every hole. I really hope you never hear this shite, but if you do, and you accidentally hear it right through to the end like I did…. (morbid fascination) and you hear the last line; don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Weekend wonderings.

I wasn’t really arsed about the new Robin Hood, I have very clear memories of the 80s version with Ray Winstone (more on him later) and I thought it had a lot to live up to. So when it came on I just watched with an open mind. It’s perhaps as well it was open, what a pile of crap. The first woman on screen was plastered in make up and actually had eye make up on. The we get to Robin; he just looked like 15 year old chav. I suppose he may have looked like that, no doubt he would have been dirty and probably quite young…. I don’t know, maybe I’m just getting old and grumpy, I don’t want to see old geezers in green tights but come on, a little realism would be nice. As for the sheriff, Keith Alan may as well have been dressed like widow Twanky. I kept thinking someone was going to shout “he’s behind you”. And why did it keep jumping from spring to autumn ? Finally, why was Guy of Gisburn trying to be Sean Bean ? All these and more questions probably wont be answered in the next episode of ……

Now to the dire shite that preceded Robin Hood. England failed dismally to break down a well drilled Macedonia side. That’s the overview, what really happened was a bunch of over paid tossers who couldn’t give a flying fuck, turned out thinking they were going to roll right over poor little Macedonia. It’s about time our national coach started to select player based on their form rather than whether they are part of the old boys club.

Ray Winstone. Another one of our better acting talents has finally succumbed to the lure of the advertisers wad. He’s whoring himself on some crappy breakfast serial advert. What a fucking come down. Do these people honestly think they can be taken seriously after hawking stuff they never use to people who don’t really need it ? I’m with Bill Hicks on these matters…..

“You are Satan's spawn filling the world with bile and garbage. You are fucked and you are fucking us. Kill yourself. It's the only way to save your fucking soul, kill yourself. I know all the marketing people are going, "he's doing a joke... there's no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tail-pipe, fucking hang yourself, borrow a gun from a Yank friend - I don't care how you do it. Rid the world of your evil fucking machinations”

Couldn’t have put it better. Ray ? You listenin’ ? Ray ?

Timeshares and super heroes.

We went on the timeshare trip for several reasons, firstly they were giving away 50 euros and a bottle of champagne, but we also went so Tracy could get an insight into the psychology of selling something you don’t need to people who don’t want it. I suppose if you could isolate the one way of doing that you would be a millionaire several times over.

This was no ordinary timeshare, it was The Hilton holiday club, they plied us with food and drink and were very nice people. The guy that took us round was called Lionel, he was at least 6 foot 7 and an ex pro basketball player (surprised eh ?) After we had watched the really cheesy American video of families that had already spent their hard-earned on the holiday club, saying it was the best money they’d ever spent, we went to meet the sales man, the one who would eventually tell us how much it would cost us to join this exclusive club.

All things considered it wasn’t really that expensive, but that’s not what we were there for. We did explain to Lionel the real reason we were there, he was ok with it. Even after we had turned down their offer they carried on chatting and being pleasant, finally arranging for a car to take us back to the villa. If you have £11k spare and fancy a guaranteed holiday anywhere in the world for the next 35 years, I would nip across to Villamoura and speak to Lionel and his mates, they’ll sort you out.

Batman. I fucking hate super hero films. I especially hate batman films. They are, collectively, the biggest pile of wank to come out of Hollywood for many a year. It was with a sigh that I sat and watched batman begins on Saturday night, a couple of mates had raved about it, the Taxdodger had also said it was good, so I gave it a go. I grudgingly accept that it’s not bad, that’s the best I can do when in the past I have had to sit through such shite as Superman, Spiderman, the fucking X men and that purple faced twat the Phantom. Christian Bale still hasn’t redeemed himself from Reign of fire, and on balance he would probably have to win three consecutive Oscars to atone for that sack of monkey shit. My only hope is that the next film is called “Batman ends”.