Crimes against the palate #1.

Dandelion and Burdock.

When I was a kid we used to have a “pop man”. This hairy geezer would drive around the estate like a fucking maniac delivering fizzy-pop to anyone who wanted it. Along with Dandelion and Burdock the pop man would deliver all kinds of foul and noxious substances designed to slake your thirst, but were so full of sugar they actually made you more thirsty.

For a start Dandelion and Burdock has never seen either a Dandelion or a fucking Burdock, and I seriously doubt any of the people the pop man delivered to would know a Burdock if it slapped them around the fucking face. It tasted like the smell of a belch, and had the colour of putrid dishwater. I’m sure it’s made from Starling vomit and the liquefied contents of a tramp’s shoe. This disgraceful substance is seen as the British version of coke; well for once the Americans have got it right. However vile Coke might be, it’s infinitely more tasty than the brown shite that purports to be a soft drink. It could be used as a chemical weapon, or even better – make it the staple diet of criminals, the re-offence rate will drop through the floor. I’m sure that scientists will eventually discover that it’s a cure for some strange tropical disease, but until then it should be banned, and the pop man should be hauled in front of the international criminal court.

Next in this award winning series – Butter beans, food or pale yellow pellets of filth ?