Sunscreen.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of (insert your year here).

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now:

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I know it’s an overused statement nowadays, but kids need to get out more. I have read things this past couple of weeks that makes me despair for the future of our race. Schools so afraid of kids being hurt, and the possible lawsuits that those injuries would entail, have taken to banning traditional children’s games. The state is increasing its efforts to control our every waking minute, and sleeping minutes for that matter. We tend to keep our kids indoors because of all the evil bastards that are lurking behind every bush, and when we do let them out into the streets to play, we don’t let them do anything that would injure them. Assuming that the kids in question would actually leave the house if you asked them to, traditional interactions are being forgotten…… kids don’t know how to play anymore. The government is on the verge of banning parents from smacking their children, when these undisciplined kids eventually discover the difference between right and wrong it will be too late.

When I was about five years old I was playing around the back of our house, I fell and cut my hand badly. I was whisked off to hospital for a few stitches, when I got back I was a celebrity, all the kids wanted to see my scar, all the better that is was a pale green colour under the bandage. I have a scar on my ankle from the roundabout in Manor Park Glossop. I have a chunk missing from my shinbone; Wembley was the scene of that one. I remember running across the road and nearly getting knocked down by a sky blue VW Beetle (now that would have been ironic) my mum gave me such a wallop, I’ve never done it again, thanks mum for teaching me not to get run over…you probably prolonged my life by a good few years.

How are kids going to learn stuff if we don’t let them get hurt ? You can’t reason with a four-year-old, lessons have to be learned in order for us not to make mistakes that could be worse next time. I know what you’re thinking, some stupid people will die. Well so fucking what ? Our race may become more intelligent as a result, natural selection works, we shouldn’t fuck with it.

The future looks grim, as whole populations of people are allergic to everyday things because they were kept in a sanitised bubble when they were kids. They won’t know the joy of winning something, or the determination to do better that comes with loosing. Afraid of their surroundings and unable to deal with life’s ups and downs, when they finally come into contact with a legal system that doesn’t know how to handle the increasing numbers of incarcerated, they will wonder why no one impressed upon them the importance of right and wrong.

Let you kids get dirty, let them run and play and fight and climb trees and jump across streams and build rope swings. Stop feeding them shit food, make them eat what you eat, give them a clip round the ear if they continuously do something you don’t want them to, and if they get punished at school punish them again at home.

The government needs to forget the new smacking law and bring back corporal punishment. They should make sure kids eat proper meals at school instead of the shite they give them now. They should ensure that the police are equipped to deal with the numbers of vile cunts that prey on kids in this country. It may well cost us more money in replacing ripped jeans and buying extra fresh fruit and veg’, and we have to pay more tax to provide extra recourses in school and on the streets. But you can’t have kids then complain that they cost too much.

Let your kids get some scars of their own; they’ll thank you for it when they get older.

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Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...