630,720,000

Here's to the next billion seconds ! If it wasn't a work night I would have a few to celebrate, but I have to be up for ten to five so I'll wait for weekend.

Another non-meme.

Ten things I would like to do before i die, in no particular order.

1. See the Northern lights.
2. Work from home.
3. See a City captain lift the FA cup.
4. Visit Egypt.
5. Watch the tax-dodger graduate.
6. Swim with Dolphins.
7. See the Earth from space.
8. Spend Christmas in the Southern hemisphere.
9. Stand at the top of the world.
10. See Tom Waits live in concert.

It's for charridy mate !

I have just got the first page of a new web site up. It's for Workington RNLI. All the volunteers put their own lives at risk to save others. I would like to get this little site above the official RNLI site, and with your help it might just work. Please go and have a look, and maybe sneak a link into one of your posts. Cheers.

Coats, colour and beer.

I always hated wearing a coat, I don't know why. It must be the northern bloke in me, it's definitely a football related thing, whenever I was stood on the Kippax (terrace at Maine road) I refused to wear one. If I got cold I simply bought a Bovril at half time. This idiosyncrasy has followed me into adulthood, I dislike coats, they are a necessary evil. About a year ago Tracy bought a denim jacket, it looks good on her and I remarked as much at the time. She said things like "it's so soft" and "it's like wearing a coat, but not" and "it's cool in summer and warm in winter". I, being a bloke, took absolutely no fucking notice. So when I tried one on today, and subsequently bought it after saying things like "it's so soft" and "it's like wearing a coat, but not" and "it'll probably be warm in winter and cool in summer" you can imagine the look I got from my good lady wife. It's a testament to her patience that we have been married 20 years on Wednesday.

There have been developments in the case of the racially abused friend of mine; I don't want to say too much in case people get wind of what's going on. What I can say is that things haven't exactly gone as I would have expected, he being a council employee and the abuse happening in works time. When it's all sorted I will tell all, and have a right good rant about the lack of support for minorities in rural areas, and the reasons why employers still think that racial abuse is not a serious issue.

Do you remember Party 7s ? Well Stella have started selling nine pints of draught lager in a keg, 12 hours in the fridge and Robert is your father's brother. I have one I prepared earlier, so here's to an evening of nostalgia, you're my best mate you !

Bugger !

qwertyuiop
asdfghjkl
zxcvbnm

It's all in there somewhere, it's just getting it to come out. I have wordstipation.

Whatever !

It's taken a little over a year, but I've finally dried up. My mind is a complete blank, and what's worse is I really can't be fuckin' bothered. I know if I announce an enforced hiatus, that my mind will suddenly fill with loads of mind-boggling stuff that I simply have to share with everyone. Then you'll just think, "what the fuck is he on about, I thought he was away !". So, I'll stay, and post something when my brain gets back from the shops.

Meaningless title #071

This weekend I have had a lot of things to do, but lacked the motivation to do any of it. A sort of mixed lethargy/apathy has settled in, and instead I have just sat and thought about it.

City have chosen Easter to resurrect their season, makes sense if you ask me. It's looking increasingly like we will qualify for a uefa cup place by virtue of the fair play league. City are third behind Man U who are certain to qualify for the champions league, and Liverpool who have already booked their place in the uefa cup next season as worthless cup winners. Not the best way to get in, but when you consider the cash that it could generate, Keegan can't possibly argue. You never know, if results go our way we could still qualify directly, but it looks unlikely.


The puzzle is not closed yet, but I'll put the answer up here, I don't want you smashing your keyboard in frustration.

A bit of a do.

I have resisted for eight years the temptation to go to "works do's". The whole socialising-with-the-people-you-work-with thing is one that makes me shudder. Mostly the only thing you have in common is work, so you spend all night talking about yes you guessed it,    work.

Saturday night we made an exception, two people I work with got married, so we went to the evening reception. The whole day was a big fuck up, which culminated in getting there a good ninety minutes late. The "do" wasn't as horrific as I had expected and we got home in one piece, although I was a quite "tired and emotional". Because we were rushing we forgot the card. So, for Brian and Sue, this is what your card would have said.

May your love
Be the light,
By which you read
Life's dark book.

I have just changed my wallpaper, here is my new desktop. It's a little mellower than pictures of the deepest parts of the cosmos.

Get well soon.

Former City front man, and Maine Road legend Uwe Rosler has been diagnosed with chest cancer. Apparently it's in the early stages, so the chances are good for his survival. Get well soon Uwe.

Bluetealeaf Easter quiz.

Puzzle #1.



Re-arrange the numbers in the box so that all the horizontal and vertical lines add up to 34.

Puzzle #2.



You are in a windowless room with two doors; one door leads to safety and the other to certain doom. There are two guards; one tells nothing but the truth and the other tells nothing but lies, you don't know which one is which. You have one question to ask one guard in order to find your way safely from the room. What is your question, and to whom ?

Puzzle #3.

Re-arrange the initial letters of the answers to the following questions to reveal the name of a famous historical figure.

a.  Which is the largest mountain known to man ?
b.  Name the band that sang "Ripcord".
c.  What is the name of a one sided, single edged shape ?
d.  Which horse did Bob Champion ride to Grand National victory ?
e.  Which prophet was stoned to death for knowing too much ?
f.   Who wrote "Anna Kerenina" ?

Answers in the little box, and a prize may be given to the winner.

Football post.

My dislike of Spurs goes back to 1981, Ricky Villa made Tommy Caton look like a lamppost, and because of that Steve Mackenzie's wonder goal is never shown. They don't even have a proper colour, playing in white has always struck me as unimaginative. The fact that Hoddle is so arrogant about his mediocre team, added to all the history, made Fridays two nil win all the sweeter.

From a selfish stand point I hope West Ham go down, although I have always had a soft spot for them, I think it's the passion of their fans and the memories of the football they played in the 70s. But, I think David James would make a decent replacement for Bluedolph when he hangs up his gloves after the Southampton game, so lets hope Millwall and Crystal Palace are their derbys next season.

Goal of the weekend must go to Jay-Jay Okocha, his solo run and superb finish against the Hammers yesterday was worthy of a place in the list for goal of the season.

My only worry now is that Salford United will win the championship and spoil the season. Come on Arsenal, don't bottle it now, don't let Taggarts mind games beat you.

The Marian Conspiracy.

I've read lots of theories about the Holy Grail, but one of the most interesting is one by Graham Phillips. The theory goes like this.

After Jesus' crucifixion, his brother, Joseph of Arimithea, took Mary away from the Romans into the far reaches of the empire. They travelled to Britain, and Joseph built the first ever Christian church on Anglesey at the site of an ancient spring. The theory is that Mary was the grail, and her mortal remains were interred at the site of the spring. There has been found, on the site, a medieval stone bearing the sign of Virgo, the virgin. This sort of pisses on the Assumption, and I'm sure the theory will be dismissed by mainstream historians. The wealth of evidence is startling, including the links to King Arthur and his descendants as the guardians of the grail, the guardians of Mary's mortal remains. Unfortunately the composition of the soil at the site is such that bones wouldn't last very long, so the theory is almost impossible to prove. The book is a damn good read though.

Taurus.

   April 21st - May 21st.

Taureans are - Rigorous, placid, mindful of the time and adept with a fork.

Your concerns regarding the Norton recliner are unfounded, just leave it. Instead concentrate your efforts on finding an antidote for snake venom, you'll need it soon enough. This is allegorical of course, but by the time you have figured it out it will be too late. And that's the whole point, you can't know the future, it would spoil everything. Typical of Taureans to ruin it all for everyone else. Edna says, "The cash is next to the potato masher", "the one in the shape of Blackpool tower", "it's hung up in the pantry".

Do: Draw a map of your mind.
Don't: Build a time machine.
Say: "What have I told you about doing that ?"

For sale: 1 Ivory tower.

For the last two days I have been stuck in a bit of a loop, pondering abstracts and getting myself deeply into things that have no consequence. This is mainly due to the theory that life is far more than the bits we can sense. Even so, I’m going to have to get out of the loop and back into the world of things, or I may well disappear up my own arse……..never to be seen again.

Not just a Blue !

Fourteen years ago today, I sat and watched people die on live television. I had on many occation stood in a similar position, on a crowded terrace at an important match, not a thought of what could happen if people didn't plan things properly. Petty rivalry aside, my thoughts are with all Liverpool fans today, especially those who lost someone. My thoughts of course are also with those who didn't get back.

Let me hear your body talk.

In an attempt to get me a little fitter, and a little less gravitationally attractive, Tracy has bought a Dance Mat. For those of you who haven't a clue what one of these things is, I'll try to explain. You plug the metre squared plastic sheet into the front of your Playstation, wack in the dancing game, and follow the onscreen instructions to get yourself thinner. The upside is, that you can make a complete twat of yourself out of the gaze of others. The downside is, you still make a complete twat of yourself. I lost more calories laughing at the instruction manual, it's fucking hilarious. I have picked the best ones, copied exactly as they appear.

Make sure to pave the cushion.

Don not put it near furniture or other odds and ends.

Do not keep it in the quite high or low temperature environment, especially far away from fireplace.

If this product can't work well, please connect with your supplier directly.

Please do not jump strongly, that may bring troubles to the other person.

Forbidden to use this product if your feet are seriously injured.

Stop immediately if there is abnormal phenomenon in your foot, waist and back when using it.

I have just got my reply from the OU concerning my course, a bog standard letter really, except for the link to the special students part of the OU website. They gave me a user name and password to access the most amazing amount of information I have ever seen in one place. I have access to online libraries, databases and thousands of resources. My mind is well and truly boggled. I'm going for a mooch around to see what I can find.

Take a drink from his special cup.

Today started out really bad, ever since the doctor told me I had spondylosis (arthritis in my neck) I have had periods of pain but mostly it's been ok. This morning I woke up in pain, the kind that makes you fidget and squirm. I had lain in my favourite position, the one that causes me the most problems, lying on my chest with my head to one side. The problem is that the pain makes me feel ill, and the painkillers have to be taken with food. This is the bit that really made the day start with a bang. Tracy made me a fried egg toasted sandwich; it made me feel sick just thinking about it. I made myself eat it, and felt a lot better in no time at all. Tracy's egg butties are miracle cures. One of the drawbacks of taking painkillers is that it just masks the pain, the real problem is still there and I can feel it when I turn my head. I think this is the sort of thing that could lead to depression if I let it.

We just had a kebab delivered, I had a small drink before we decided to have what constitutes a kebab round here, so I couldn't drive. Anyway, kebabs round here are weird, they put the pitta in the bottom of a tray and lump all the meat on top. You get a separate tray full of salad and a tub of chilli sauce. It's a kind of kebab construction kit. Fucking gorgeous though.

If you needed any more proof that I'm feeling under the weather, I just watched Legally Blonde and thought it was quite good. Someone shoot me.

Life's a bitch, then you die, Black Hell

If I ask someone to get me a bucket of water, I do one of the following depending on who it is I'm asking.

1.Can you get me a bucket of water please ?

2. Pick up that bucket, take it over there and put it under that tap. Then turn on the tap and let the water flow into the bucket, when it's nearly full turn off the tap and bring the bucket back to me without spilling any of the water.

You see now what I have to deal with on a daily fucking basis.

I'm currently playing email chess against the taxdodger, he got my queen early. He knows it's my Achilles heal, I play badly without her. I'm rallying though, although he has complete control of the centre of the board with his knights, ruthless swine.

And curse Sir Walter Raleigh.

I'm too tired to think, I hate day shift so much. Need sleep, will post when can string two worms together.

Heavy words are so lightly thrown.

When I was younger I used to think that the nicotine stained walls in the homes I used to visit, was the colour they had chosen to decorate the room. I think I used to take a lot of things at face value, I'm going to see which others I can remember.

Independent as a hog on ice.

When you make a sweeping statement, not unlike the one I made yesterday about song lyrics, make sure that when you post ninety minutes later you don't forget. Because then you would look like a right twat !

Bridget Jones moment.

I have just found myself obsessing about having my third coffee of the day; I have got to get a fucking grip.

Yesterdays Guardian contained this in the sport section:

Frances master tactician solves another footballing conundrum.

Obviously we did not plan to lose our captain after only three minutes against Manchester United, but every cloud as they say has a silver lining, and this one let me experiment for nearly the whole game with the idea of playing one big quick chap up front with no one else anywhere near him.

Obviously, it was in almost every respect yet another resounding success. I know people will point to the fact that we conceded four goals without actually scoring any, but that ignorance is why I am a top Premiership manager and they are not. Comprendez ?

Considering Man U are losing two nil at half time Liverpool have a long way to go before they are good enough for the Champions league. City have at least a couple of light years to travel.

Better watch out for the skin deep.

I made a statement to the police today, about an incident I witnessed yesterday. A friend was racially abused whilst he was doing his job. Doing your job or not, any kind of prejudice is unacceptable and I won't stand by and allow bigoted fuck-heads to get away with it. Unfortunately I live in a part of the country where the attitude, to anyone who isn't white male Anglo-Saxon and heterosexual, is stuck somewhere in the middle of last century. I can't illustrate here what the attitude is like; you have to see it to believe it. Actually I could give you some of the words I hear on a daily basis, but I refuse to be found on a Google search for such terms.

Musically, I have been listening to David Gray's new album, Whitestripes new album and some Goldfrapp. I have one track by Delirious and several by The Flaming Lips.

We have been playing on the new Indiana Jones X-Box game, The Emperors tomb. If you like Tomb Raider you'll love this. Loads of short levels, with tombs to explore and puzzles to solve. The graphics are very good, but the storyline is a little old. The controls are maddening at times and the game has the odd sound glitch. Overall the game is probably just worth the £40 price tag.

Hmm, post titles made up of song lyrics. I saw it here and thought I might have a dabble, and see how long I can keep it up. ooh er missus !

Less places to go.

I put on MTV2 through the aux on my stereo, and whilst listening to Train by Goldfrapp I thinned out the herd.

This wasn't a decision I took lightly; there are a few blogs that I just haven't been reading lately. It's not that they have done anything wrong, or said anything to offend me. I just don't go and read them anymore. If any of them notice that they have been removed, and ask me why, I will tell them more or less what it says above.

I know I shouldn't, but I feel guilty.

Caffeine addiction.

A few years ago I worked for a chemical company in Manchester. (The one that exploded). I worked as part of a two-man team, and we were very good at doing what we got paid for. So good in fact that we had lots of free time, free time that was punctuated at regular intervals with steaming pots of strong coffee. There was a period of time when we were drinking up to fifteen cups a day; I was also drinking fresh ground coffee at home before and after work. The first time I realised I had a problem was one morning after getting up late. Anyone who knows me will be aware of my hatred of being late, I'm always early for everything. We were going to catch a train into Manchester to buy tickets to see the Levellers at the International, we got up late so we got dressed and ran for the train without first having a coffee. About thirty minutes later I got the beginnings of a headache, it got gradually worse until I got stomach cramps and felt sick. After we got the tickets we went into a café, but by then it was too late. I had a coffee but it was no good, I was physically sick a little later, and then again twice on the way home. It was then I realised I had an addiction. For a while I just lived with it, fed it even. The above happened a couple more times before I decided that it was time to do something about it. Now, because I don't have an addictive personality, (I have never smoked and I don't drink or gamble to excess), I find it difficult to just stop something dead, so I began a weaning process. This process has taken about six years, and I'm down to two cups a day, albeit strong ones.

In the grand scheme of things my addiction wasn't seen as particularly serious, it's not hip like heroin or socially acceptable like nicotine, and as far as I know it doesn't fall under any government guidelines for reducing levels of addiction. Probably because Nestle pretty much own the market.

The reason I have dredged up my past for your perusal, is my ponderings while I was drinking my coffee this morning. I asked myself why I like it so much, and the answer is - I don't know, I really don't know what it is that makes me crave it so much. My only conclusion can be that it's the caffeine that I crave, and if that's the case then I haven't beaten it. What is more, I have no intention of giving it up completely. Ok, I think that's pretty much where it ends, thanks for listening.

Sound and Colour.

Our next-door neighbour plays his music quite loud, I really don't have a problem with it because he doesn't play it at inconvenient times. I do, however, have one problem....I couldn't compete with his volume levels (yes I know, pissing contests are purely a male thing). So, I was on a mission to get my stereo system working properly, and as usual I have gone completely over the top and scarted everything through my dusted down Aiwa. The room now shakes and I still have loads of room left on the dial. The building will now bounce to decent music for a change.

This bit has a colour theme. I looked for some other blogs with colours in their titles, and the results were mixed. These are the best ones I found.

Little Red Boat.

Little Yellow Different.

Purple Monkie.

Fresh Green Blog.

You may well see them in the box on your right before too long. I'm gonna have to thin out the herd a little.....but how to do it humanely ? Anyone got any advice ?

My ears are grizzled, my eyes are bent !

It must be a bad day; I have just found myself laughing at "Evolution". This is the only film I have ever considered walking out of a cinema for. It must be all the ageist comments getting to me.

I was fed up with the picture at the top, so I changed it. I'm not entirely happy with that either, so I asked the taxdodger to make one for me. His only remit was the background colour [3399CC or 51,153,204] and that it should contain the word "Bluetealeaf". I dread to think what a nineteen-year-old student, who plays counter strike all day, will come up with. Keep your eyes peeled, well don't actually peel your eyes it will hurt, watch the space at the top.

Ha ha ha.......Julie Anne Moore just fell down again, priceless !

Question.

why does w.bloggar convert full stops into question marks ? It's fucking annoying. Oh, by the way, I've put a couple more links in the places to go section. Here and here.

Retro gaming.

Planning ahead, a few months ago we bought a Mega Drive, in anticipation of the day when someone came into the shop and sold us Micro Machines turbo tournament 96. This is without equal in racing games; the playability is second to none. Today it came in the shop, in mint condition with all the original inserts. I've just set it up and had a go, its not lost anything of what made it great. I can see me on this for hours.

Recently I have been disillusioned with the England football team, I have accused them of a lack of spirit and passion. For me it has always been club first, then country. Last night I didn't even realise that I had missed the match; I searched the net for the result and was very pleased.......but that was it ! I can't imagine for one minute not knowing City were playing, and wherever humanly possible either watching or listening to the action. Last nights win was very good, but I'd swap it for three points on Saturday.

Changes and palindromes.

The counter stood at 14141, the palindromic visitor was.......Vodkabird. Who has, by the way, been added to the ever growing list of worthy places to visit. What are you waiting for ?

I've added three new poems:

A poet to his beloved.

When I have fears.

April song.

There is also a new anti-war gif in one of the side boxes, you can nick it if you want. You may have guessed that I have a penchant for love poems, well I suppose I'm just an old romantic at heart. This time of year always sets me off, we have been married twenty years this month. Those of you who pay attention can now deduce "how far gone" Tracy was when we walked down the aisle. Please join me in a toast........"to love".

Blogs R Us ?

Yesterday was a fucking nightmare ! I had two posts written and ready to go at specific times. The first was to be published a couple of minutes after midnight [April fools day] and the second was to be up just after midday, when as we all know the fun is over. Blogger had different plans; the new Google owned blogger decided that it was a good time to update template servers. I've noticed a spate of colourful language on a few blogs [Lyle and Pinky stand out], and I thought there could be a link between blogger problems and all the profanity.

The last post [although reminiscent of another blogger] was an idea I got from a comment about a DIY post a few months ago, and it's got me thinking. Actually it's got me thinking two things.

Firstly, where would we be without comments ? The feedback I get plant seeds in my mind and gives me more to think about, more to post about. It took me a while to put my comments box up, but now I'd be lost without it.

Secondly, and most interesting if someone can be arsed to have a go, is this. Could we fool people by posting in the style of someone else ? If anyone wants to have a go at writing a post in the style of Bluetealeaf, email it to me and I'll wack it up. Then we can see if anyone can guess which post it is and who wrote it. This idea was also from a story I heard about Ernest Hemmingway, who entered a competition to write a story in the style of Earnest Hemmingway. He came third !

In other news.

Internationally renowned Workington author, Gaz Hard-Bastard, has followed up his critically acclaimed first novel "How to be a Geezer" with a stunning sequel "How to shag birds". The book hits the shelves from Monday, and advanced orders have already set new records. Mr. Hard-Bastard said in an interview recently, "It's fuckin' top, I love shaggin' birds an' I love writtin', so this is a fuckin' result". Asked if he thought a Booker prize was not out of the question, Gaz twatted the interviewer and shagged his secretary. A spokesperson for the literary review said yesterday "This really is a shot in arm for British literature", however there is a suspicion that Gaz was shagging her at the time.

Also known as.

It seems Ralf Opilo has been telling porkies. It may help you to know that he has aliases. Sometimes he goes by the name of Paolo Fril, and on one morning every year he is better known as April Fool.

This little tradition has reminded me of the old Shrove Tuesday pranks. If you were a young lad, just starting work, you would be the butt of all the old favourites, and would be sent to fetch......

1. The long stand.
2. Bucket of steam
3. Glass nails (for the rubber hammer)
4. Tin of tartan paint.
5. Sky hooks.

The one that got me was "the pipe". It was a Copper and Brass contraption, similar in shape to a tobacco pipe, only about four times the size. It had all manner of tubes and small pipes coming out of the bowl at its base, above the bowl was a little wheel on a tiny axle. The idea, I was told, was to blow hard enough through all the associated pipework to turn the little wheel. "Only the fittest could ever get the wheel to turn" I was told by the small crowd that had gathered around us. I was seventeen and keen to prove myself to this group of men. I gave an almighty blow on the long pipe that was stuck out of the front of the bowl. I focused on the little wheel to see if it would move, at this point I noticed two small pipes that had open ends pointing right at my face....."Oh shit" I thought, as a cloud of dust made from talcum powder and cheap perfume engulfed my head. The whole place was in fits of laughter, and I smelled "like a tarts handbag" for the rest of the day. I wonder if anyone still keeps these old traditions alive.

Stop this horror

One of our regular customers is a local farmer called Ralf, he buys games for his young son. While he was in the shop yesterday buying Devil May Cry 2, we were having a chat about modern farming methods compared to the old ways. During the conversation he mentioned government trials that were being carried out on the Cumbrian hill farms. When I probed a little deeper into what he had said, he was a little reluctant to go any further. From the little snippets he did give I have pieced together quite a bit of the story.

It appears that a large pharmaceutical company, in league with our government, is conducting trials into the viability of a crossbreed Chicken using a large amount of Fish genes. The hybrid animal, or Ficken as Mr. Opilo referred to it, will be grown in pens on the Cumbrian fells, away from prying eyes. The story is that a large fast food company is interested in the exclusive rights to use the meat produced by the new animal, in thousands of their restaurants here and on the continent. Apparently the animal produces two different types of meat on its body, a soft flaky white meat similar to Cod, and a grainy white meat that very much resembles Chicken. It is seen as a long-term replacement for Sheep and Cows in an area that was ravaged by foot and mouth disease. From what I could ascertain, the Ficken doesn’t suffer from any of the diseases that most of our food animals are prone to.

This sounds like a big money spinner for the multi-national corporations, at the expense of rural life in our little part of the world.