How to be a successful member of society.

1. When you have finished your shopping and meet a friend on your way out of the supermarket, just stop right in the doorway and have a nice long chat. All the people trying to get in or out of the place will gladly stand and wait until you have finished.

2. When you approach a roundabout in your car, just sit there and wait until everyone else has gone and there isn’t another vehicle within half a mile, except the poor fucker sat behind you.

3. When you ring the wrong number by mistake, and the person on the other end assures you that you haven’t actually got through to housing repairs, ask if they are sure. You never know they may have been labouring under the misapprehension that they work in a shop, when in actual fact they have been a council employee all along.

4. When confronted with something you have never seen before, either worship it or smash it to pieces. Don’t under any circumstances attempt to understand how or why it works. It’s new and strange, therefore it’s bad.

5. When decorating your kitchen you must first watch one or all of the many makeover shows on TV. You will get some really good ideas about fabric and colours. When you have completed your research, nip down to B&Q and buy seven miles of dado rail and an eternal bow toaster and kettle.

Next week in this award winning series, how to be a proper football fan.