The hall of shame.

Lock and Load has been open for nearly a year, and to mark the occasion I will be nominating our most odious customer. In order to do this I will first start a hall of shame. The people that populate this list have wormed their way into our bad books just by being themselves. So, without further ado, I give you the Lock and Load hall of shame.

1.   Dog piss man. This bloke smells like he has bathed in tub of week-old dog piss, then stood in front of an electric heater to dry out. He holds the record for the fastest clearance of the shop, a breath-taking 12 seconds.

2.   The Kangol slime ball. This is one creepy guy; imagine Norman Bates had sex with Gordon Lamont, their unholy offspring would be positively slime free compared to this geezer. We are considering the following statement next time he buys something. "It puts the money on the counter".

3.   Monkey woman. So called because she never tires of telling us how she "Likes the one with monkeys in it" spoken in the only way possible when you have left your false teeth in glass next to your bed.

4.   Smelly Geoff. He's called Geoff and he smells.

5.   Tim, not nice but dim. Fifty something, lives at home with his mum, plays on his N64. Comes in the shop pestering us and never spends a fucking red cent.

6.   Brother of Monkey woman. Proud of his illiteracy, when asked to fill in a form for trading games, said, "You'll have to do it, I can't read and I can't write". Obviously a product of a particularly harsh winter back in the fifties.

7.   Cat woman. She isn't stunningly beautiful, and no she doesn't wear an all-in-one leather suit. She has seven cats, and you can smell every fucking one of them.

8.   Sighing man. He could have gone by the name of Mr. Indecisive, but that trait is no where near as annoying as the constant shifting of weight from one leg to the other, accompanied buy an extremely loud sigh.

9.   Clarence the boss-eyed boy. He could have been named Tigger because of his incessant bouncing about the shop, but his knack of looking at us both at the same time tipped the scales.


10.   Backpack man. Comes in first thing on a Monday morning for a PS1 game. Spends far too much time telling me about his life and the fact that he "doesn't get out much". But the reason he's made it onto this list is simply because of the annoying way he refers to his PS1 as "Sony". Pronounced "Sonney", as in "My sonney lies over the ocean".