7 posts in one day.

Including this one, I have posted four times in the last fortnight, that's really crap. It's a combination of too little time and a complete lack of original ideas. I'm going to struggle to make this thing last two years.

According to Gert's blogger audit I'm the smallest bloke blogger. I must say I've never seen it as a disadvantage, although I was one of the smallest in my class I still finished in the top ten at high jump. Before I was married I had quite a few girlfriends, and I was never a victim of bullying. I suppose it's a matter of how you view yourself, I know people who are my height and have a real chip on their shoulder about it. The only thing I can think of is that it's a matter of the size of your "appendage". Like I said, I don't have a problem with my "height". Anyone who tells you that size doesn't matter has only got a little one !

I have spent all day helping to build a workbench at the shop. It's a swap thing, Gary builds me a workbench, and I build him a computer. It cost me £20, it's going to cost him a little bit more but we are both well pleased with the deal. I got to have a go on his jigsaw, and I managed to do it without severing any fingers, which was a bonus. I'll take a picture of it when it's finished.

Isn't dinner ladies fucking top television ? It's been around for ages but it makes me piss myself ! Tracy reckons Victoria Wood is a comic genius, and I think I agree. Another good one is that thing with Shoestring in, the one where he and his team solve crimes from years ago, the one with Barbara Royle in. I thought I had solved it last week, but then the two mystery men turned out to be police, and that scuppered my theory.

I have just finished reading Barry Fry's autobiography, and very good it was. If you want a glimpse of life as a lower league football manager then read this. It's worlds apart from the glamour of the premier league, and it makes you wonder how football at grass roots level survives in this country. I have always liked Barry Fry, which is why I read it in the first place, but now you can add admiration to the list, he is one in a million. It's called "the big fry". Read it.

Pinky has gone AWOL; I don't think I can go too long without reading what's going on in her head. It makes me feel so fucking normal. No offence mate ! Hmm, she's back, that'll teach me to write before I look.

No takers on the puzzle yet, the prize is definitely a book, I'm just deciding which one.

Server problems.

simon-m.co.uk is down, unfortunately it hosts all the images on this blog. The biggest problem at the moment is that it also hosts all the pages that are attached to this blog, that means the puzzle is down. At the moment my host isn't answering the telephone and their e-mail page is unavailable. That's what you get for being a cheapskate I suppose. I'm working on moving the puzzle pages to another server, please bear with me.

Thank you.

The grand autumn puzzle.

After some last minute fine-tuning, the puzzle is finally up. Even though last years puzzle remains unsolved I haven't made this one any easier. I have just made it a little different, less ambiguous.

Also different, this time you get a prize. I'm going to think of something suitable, maybe a book or maybe something else. I haven't decided yet, but definitely something tangible that will arrive through the post.

Anyway, enough waffling, let's get to it.

You want flies with that ?

A well-known fast food outlet in Whitehaven has been closed, and several staff members have been sacked. If you have a penchant for the odd cheeseburger then you maybe don't want to read the rest of this post.

The staff members that have been sacked were allegedly caught on camera having a wank into the mayonnaise and pissing on the lettuce. I say allegedly because at time of writing these are still unconfirmed stories. They do however come from separate and reliable sources.

I suppose that taste in the special sauce isn't Dill after all !

Tactical vomiting.

After a hugely enjoyable afternoon in the pub watching City destroy Villa, I arrived home just in time for Sunday lunch. I may have drunk a little too much Guinness extra cold; I lost count sometime after Tarnet let loose his bullet free kick to put us in the lead. I wasn't drunk, just happy and a bit bloated. I felt odd about half way through the meal, a meal that Tracy had stayed at home to cook, and had to go and make a little room. It's amazing how much better you feel after lobbing the contents of your stomach down the toilet. After a cup of coffee I was ready for desert. It was our neighbour Nick, also a blue, who coined the phrase tactical vomiting, and thought it described things well. The whole episode mirrored City's performance, out of sorts first half, then after a 15 minute break came out fighting. I went on to scoff summer pudding and custard.

I don't make a habit of drinking on Sunday lunchtime, but when I do, I do it properly.

What's in a name ?

Your name of Simon creates a quick, clever mind capable of grasping and assimilating new ideas. You are rather studious, mentally challenging each new idea before accepting it. Because you learn so quickly you have little patience with those whose mental processes are somewhat slower, and you could become supercilious or somewhat "know it all" in your attitude. This characteristic could make you rather unpopular with your associates. Although you are very knowledgeable and intelligent, you often find spontaneous verbal expression difficult. You crave friendship, understanding, love, and affection about your reserved manner appears forbidding to others. You can give expression to your personal thoughts and feelings most fluently through the written word. You have a sensitive nature--sensitive to your environment and particularly sensitive to how your deeper and more serious interests are regarded by others. Your feelings are very easily hurt and to protect yourself you withdraw within the realms of your own private thoughts and shut out the rest of the world. Moods, which are your worst enemy, result. Your sensitivity and lack of verbal expression frustrate and limit the satisfaction in life to be gained from your responsible and capable nature.

Via Gert

The hall of shame.

Lock and Load has been open for nearly a year, and to mark the occasion I will be nominating our most odious customer. In order to do this I will first start a hall of shame. The people that populate this list have wormed their way into our bad books just by being themselves. So, without further ado, I give you the Lock and Load hall of shame.

1.   Dog piss man. This bloke smells like he has bathed in tub of week-old dog piss, then stood in front of an electric heater to dry out. He holds the record for the fastest clearance of the shop, a breath-taking 12 seconds.

2.   The Kangol slime ball. This is one creepy guy; imagine Norman Bates had sex with Gordon Lamont, their unholy offspring would be positively slime free compared to this geezer. We are considering the following statement next time he buys something. "It puts the money on the counter".

3.   Monkey woman. So called because she never tires of telling us how she "Likes the one with monkeys in it" spoken in the only way possible when you have left your false teeth in glass next to your bed.

4.   Smelly Geoff. He's called Geoff and he smells.

5.   Tim, not nice but dim. Fifty something, lives at home with his mum, plays on his N64. Comes in the shop pestering us and never spends a fucking red cent.

6.   Brother of Monkey woman. Proud of his illiteracy, when asked to fill in a form for trading games, said, "You'll have to do it, I can't read and I can't write". Obviously a product of a particularly harsh winter back in the fifties.

7.   Cat woman. She isn't stunningly beautiful, and no she doesn't wear an all-in-one leather suit. She has seven cats, and you can smell every fucking one of them.

8.   Sighing man. He could have gone by the name of Mr. Indecisive, but that trait is no where near as annoying as the constant shifting of weight from one leg to the other, accompanied buy an extremely loud sigh.

9.   Clarence the boss-eyed boy. He could have been named Tigger because of his incessant bouncing about the shop, but his knack of looking at us both at the same time tipped the scales.


10.   Backpack man. Comes in first thing on a Monday morning for a PS1 game. Spends far too much time telling me about his life and the fact that he "doesn't get out much". But the reason he's made it onto this list is simply because of the annoying way he refers to his PS1 as "Sony". Pronounced "Sonney", as in "My sonney lies over the ocean".

Weird.

I've just had a quick look, and get to the same bible page from these urls:

http://scaryduck.blogpsot.com/

http://audiolympics.blogpsot.com/

http://bingobowden.blogpsot.com/

I'm presuming that any blogspot url spelt incorrectly will send you to this site. I've emailed them, but they have a disclaimer that they may not email back. I'll keep you posted.

Perturbed.

Taxdodger found this: http://bluetealeaf.blogpsot.com/ whilst typing the url to get him here. Strange ! This warrants further investigation. Is it a one-off, or a sinister plot to make the most of high traffic through weblogs ?

Planets and puzzles.

Tonight is my first night shift for over a month, and they are definitely colder and longer. On clear nights I try to have a look at the stars, to try and discern patterns in the moving constellations. Even though tonight there is a full moon, I still have a good view. I think this has a lot to do with the lack of bright areas lit by countless street lamps. The most prominent thing in the sky, apart from the moon, is Mars. I can see the red colour of its surface with the naked eye. I wonder if in years to come the bringer of war will be renamed, maybe Dubya – the red planet. Blair would have to replace Pluto as the dumb dog, following his master around in giant circles for eternity.

I am currently working on a new puzzle. It will replace the one that wasn’t solved. The answer, if anyone is interested, was K9. This one, like the last, will be in stages. You will need to solve a stage before you can progress to the next. This one will be less ambiguous, and I’ll stay away from cryptic clues and trick questions. Unlike the last one, this will have a prize. The prize for the first person to complete this years grand bluetealeaf Autumn puzzle will be………… No, I’ll tell you later. Let’s build the suspense a little.

Previous post in depth.

1.  Anne Robinson. Supercilious hairy faced ginger bint.

2.  Lying customers. "I bought this yesterday, and it won't load" So you've taken it home and copied it and now you want your money back. Well you can go and fuck yourself; if it was up to me you would be rotting behind bars you thieving twat.

3.  Fatal exception errors. I hate it when a computer presents me with an error message, then doesn't give me any options. You horrible plastic fuck-pig !


4.  England time wasting. We were playing Macedonia for fucks sake. If we were one nil up against Germany in the final of the world cup then fine, but for fucks sake ! Macedonia ! How far have we sunk ?

5.  Scotch eggs. The single most revolting invention in the history of mankind. Conceived in the bowels of hell, this culinary abomination should be outlawed forthwith.


6.  RPGs. Role playing games, primarily for the console market. Every one of these games is the same, you wander aimlessly for a while then you fight a jelly with wings and a top hat. Get a fucking grip; I know games are forms of escapism but please, inject a little rational thought into these. It's no coincidence that all these come from Japan, I think they have issues.

7.  Crap endings. You sit through two hours of a film, then boom ! It's over, WTF ! Did they run out of cash, or was the director on a promise ? Lets have endings that make a little sense please.


8.  Chandeliers. It's a big light, as in "put t' big light on so I can see mi pools" It's a big light in the middle of your living room, no need to show off.

9.  Rugby. I come from south Manchester, we didn't do rugby. We did football and athletics, we did swimming and cricket. What we didn't do was to chase an egg around the park and pretend it was in any way skilful. Stop this nonsense now.

Things that piss me off.

1.  Anne Robinson.
2.  Lying customers.
3.  Fatal exception errors.
4.  England time wasting.
5.  Scotch eggs.
6.  RPGs.
7.  Crap endings.
8.  Chandeliers.
9.  Rugby.

At last.

The comments are back up. I would appreciate you indulgence. Please read back the last few posts and leave the comments you would have left had they been working properly.

Thank you !


Update:

Looks like they are down again. Can you suggest an alternative comments system that actually works ? Until it's sorted you can go here and leave your comments on my zonkboard. Ta !

Just visiting.

I sometimes feel that I'm just on holiday here, and that this planet isn't my home. The majority of people I meet couldn't possibly be from the same race as me. I look at some people and wonder what motivates them, what makes them the way they are and when I'm looking it occurs to me that I haven't a clue about real human nature, I don't really know that many people that share my view of the world.

Tracy barred her first customer today. He came in to trade some x-box games, I told him they were all too scratched. He wandered off to look at the other games, as he was leaving he mumbled something about our x-box games, to which Tracy took offence. So much so that she chased him down the arcade. When she caught up to him and asked him exactly what he had said, he suddenly became a little more reticent. She told him in no uncertain terms not to set foot in her shop again and walked off, leaving him stood sheepishly next to his dumbstruck wife. He was lucky she was in a good mood; he could easily have ended up being beaten with the soggy end of his own detached arm. The annoying part about the whole shop/customer relationship is the ones who haven't the balls to stand in front of you and say what they think. Speak up you Lilly livered fuckers, have the courage of your convictions.

The gallery has been updated, go and look. If you have a few minutes spare and you're bored, submit something.

Little old wine drinker me.


It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of Sapho that thoughts acquire speed. The lips acquire stain. The stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.

In 1188 in a field in northern France there was an Elm cut down, it signalled the split between the Knights templar and the Prieure de Sion. It is said that Richard 1st was present at the cutting of the great tree. The Knights templar is said to believe that Jesus didn't die on the cross, but instead lived to raise a family. Which means Jesus has a bloodline, and it could be you !

The story of the cutting of the elm could be allegorical, denoting the split between the Plantagenets and king Philip 3rd. Also the Merovingian bloodline, which Philip laid claim, and Henry 2nd couldn't. Henry's son Richard however could, as his mother was Eleanor of Aquitaine a direct descendant of Charlemagne. Phil had the Pope in his pocket and the Templars were condemned as heretics and accused of all manner of crimes against god. The Prieure de Sion still exists today, maybe in the guise of the Masons or maybe some other shadowy organisation, who knows ?

Politics has shaped religion for centuries; Alistair Campbell had nothing on these fuckers ! I wonder if Jesus believed he was the messiah, or if he just thought of himself as a trouble maker, a thorn in the Roman's side. Was he crucified, or did he live out his life as a normal man. I wonder who his ancestors are.

It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of Sapho that thoughts acquire speed. The lips acquire stain. The stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.